oh my gosh.

time is barely moving.

patience is low.

anxiety is high.

it feels like it's gonna be a long week ahead.

and there's only one thing on my mind.

meeting J for a little shopping trip to downtown asheville! laundry and some cleaning. talking with my love later on this afternnon. movie night tonight. lazy sunday morning. perhaps meeting an old member my youth group for fika. maybe seeing one of my caravan girls. and talking to my love for (perhaps) the last time on msn until she arrives next sunday!

so, everything is about to change. and i am ready! still, i have alot of things on my mind this upcoming week. i am coming to the end of my time teaching high school, and this week i will be telling my kids that i won't be back next year. gaah. i've got mixed feelings about it. just not looking forward to their reaction. and then, i'm thinking so much about the fact that i will be unemployed. it's amazing how much you define yourself by what you do, so again, i am going to have to dig deep and focus on who i am - and not rely on my job to define my worth. and, my amazing love and i will be reunited!!! (but this time without having to face a separation in about 3 months). this is finally the end of living in separate countries! we will have a chance to settle down together and begin to live every day life. yes!! of course, at the end of the summer, i am making a huge move to sweden, so that is on my mind as well. this time it is permanent. i'm so excited! still, it's alot of changes. and i know that my love is dealing with alot too. in addition to the changes that we are experiencing together, she is graduating on friday and has all of those feelings of the end of her student life and the beginning of a new life in front of her. she has worked so hard, and i am so proud... but more about that to come closer to her graduation day!

so, i'm gonna make it through this week and then, spend an awesome summer relaxing, having adventures, and just being! i can't wait!

tomorrow is a "big day" at the church where i used to work. it might be nice, as a former minister, to go and support the congregation in their celebration and dedication of the new building (which isn't exactly new since it was done before i left two years ago). it would definitely be nice to see some people i haven't seen in a long time. on the other hand, if i go, it feels a little weird to go and celebrate a building, since the Church is not actually a building, but a body of people. and so many christians in the states get stuck in the thought of the church as simply a building where you go to do rituals.

you see, this is the heart of one of my problems. lately, i am really questioning the relevance of the Church in today's society. i'm not saying that the Church cannot be or should not be relevant, but that it is not trying to be relevant because it continues to do the same old things in the same old ways, leaving out large groups of people. i see so many people attend church, follow the rules, and want to secure their place in heaven. all this is happening while oil continues to spill into the gulf of mexico, immigrant children worry that their parents will be taken away, and the addicted and homeless wander the streets hungry and hopeless. all because people seem to care more about money than doing what's right for our environment, the world, and our future. all because we care more about securing our own lives than caring for our brothers' and sisters' lives.

basically, i am saying that what i see is christians not acting as christians. i see religious people who follow a religion, but who don't work for social justice and equality. i see all different kinds of people, including myself, who are not welcome fully to participate in the ministries of the church because of rules. seriously. there are people, including me, who would love to dedicate their life to ministry and cannot because of the rules in the church (at least in my denomination). and that makes me mad. how can we alienate people rather than include them? what part of jesus' gospel talks about exclusion? now, tell me, how can we really offer hope to people, when we do not accept all people, challenge the corrupt, greedy, selfish parts of society, and refuse to be bold enough to speak out for justice, even if it's not popular? are we called to be popular and self-sustaining individualists, or are we called to be faithful, loving, compassionate, fair, thoughtful people? how can we offer hope when we leave out love and refuse to be relevant? this is the part of me that wants to stay away from the church, the institution that is failing.

but, there's this other part of me that wants to go to church in the morning. to fight. and to fight from the inside as much as i can. it's not like i'm gonna get up and start preaching, but it's more of a symbol to myself that i am not giving up on hope and love. that there is a need, perhaps, even for people like me, and for all people to stand up and speak out for love... to be bold, stand up, and call out the Church, the people, and even ourselves on the ways that we all are failing to live out a life that is true, real, and relevant... a life that reaches out in love and acceptance rather then rules and commandments... a life that encourages each of us to simply be true to who we really are; because who we really are, just as we are, is just perfect.

oh gosh... there is so much i don't know. but what i do know is that life is meant to be lived to the fullest and to be shared. and whether i go to church or not tomorrow, my life is filled with love. it is up to me what i do with that love. in two weeks, the love of my life will join me so that we can continue our journey through life together. it's a journey that continues, but that starts a completely new part. we will make these changes together, love each other through it all, and be true to ourselves. life is short. it's difficult. it's amazing. and it's full of hope, if we just look beyond ourselves and become willing to share life with others. perhaps all we can do is take those moments of joy, hope, and love that we feel and share it with others. perhaps when we focus on loving ourselves and each other rather than getting ahead and having power, then we will be relevant. i have hope.

goodnight.

today my love is having a birthday party (her b-day was this past thursday) with her family in sweden. they are gathering to celebrate her, and i love that. the only problem is that i can't be with them. i can't stop thinking about her today, so here's my celebration of her... from the states.

i'm overwhelmed because i am so lucky to be married to my love. she is an amazing woman. here are just a few reasons of how she has overwhelmed me (and this is just from today!): when my ghosts appear, she listens to me, talks with me, and reassures me. she is a caring and creative hostess when throwing a party. she's the winner of a blog contest in norrkoping because of her willingness to stand up and talk about truth and equality in her every day life! she is graduating with a degree in social work from her university in about 2 weeks! she's compassionate, loving, intelligent, determined, strong, gifted, and so much more. she inspires me. and my love grows deeper every day. yep. she's my baby!! and i am the luckiest person in the world!

oh yeah. and she's gonna be with me in about two weeks!

today my dad and i took my mom to the grove park inn (where president & mrs. obama stayed a few weeks ago) for a mother's day brunch! it was amazing and there was tons of food. we did a little (hehe) shopping after our meal, and then headed back home because we were exhausted from all the eating and shopping. love it. i talked with my love for a little while - by the way, 4 weeks from today we are reunited! - and then, i completely cleaned and organized my room...finally done!

now, it's time for bed so i can be ready for another week starting tomorrow.

tonight i ate on the porch outside.

i had strawberries for dessert.

summer's on its way.

local nc mountain strawberries. mmm... (i'm saving some for you, my love!)

my parents returned their camera to me today! oh yeah. (i'm using theirs because mine is currently living in sweden with my love so she can have a camera, since i had access to one here). but, about a month ago my parents kidnapped their camera. and i've been going through withdrawl from having a camera, making the best of it with my iPhone (thank, you amazing iPhone! i love you). but, as of today, i'm back in business with a camera.

woo hoo!

here's the low-down on my weekend, how i'm celebrating may so far...

went to asheville yesterday to do some birthday shopping for my love (who's birthday is this month! yay!). it was veeeery successful and i think i'm driving her crazy. hihi. i secretly love that! while i was in asheville, i talked to her once on the phone, and we were discussing how much we love the atmosphere in asheville...the hippie, open, diverse, relaxed feeling of the city. you know, it's truly a gift when you find and get to share your life with the person who completes you, accepts you, loves you, and is where you feel you belong. it's so amazing when you share the same dreams, ideas, beliefs, and values about life and what's important. i missed her so much yesterday, but it's may! soon, we'll walk the streets of asheville together again!

a typical asheville scene

today (sunday), i've starting the day pretty lazy. slept late (well, late for me. 7:30. pathetic, i know.). been hanging out with some coffee, the morning paper, zola, and my cozy covers. soon, gonna get moving and get busy. gotta clean and organize...i am in the process of making the move from the upstairs room to the downstairs room.

have a great sunday.