thanks to my love, my blog has now undergone a new design. feels happier! i didn't mean for this to happen. really. as i said in friday's post, i was just playing around. but my love stepped in and saved the day! she designed a new header (the part i was stuck with) and she's now waiting for me to finish writing my profile paragraph. why is it taking me 2 days to write a sentence or 2? gaaah!

anyway. 10 design points to my love! tack så mycket!

friday night

it's friday night, and i'm not really in a social mood. that's not a bad thing, i'm just tired. so, i've retreated to my computer with a glass of wine by my side. i just wanna relax... well i decided to play around with my blog just to see what i could do (i really stink at changing things) and this is what's happened to it...a green background that i love! i do know how to get it back to the brown, though. but i can't figure out out to play around with my header. well, i can get it to disappear and reappear, but i have no idea how to make any changes. hehe. how do i write something new on my header? or change my picture? hmm... just playing, though.

another thing on my mind is that today is my 2 month anniversary with my love. we've been married 2 months now! love it. love it. love it! can't wait to be married and living in the same country. isn't it amazing what happens in a year? last year on this weekend, my love and i took a road trip to atlanta to see missy higgins in concert and ended up falling in love with the opening act...lenka. her music is so unique and reminds me of an amazing year with my love. in honor of this past year and of the amazing, crazy year to come...here's a lenka favorite:

today: another snow day

it has been a crazy, crazy winter. it never snows this much in nc! and i know that the snow in sweden (my other home) has had unbelievabe snow too. anyway. we've missed so much school, there are saturday school days planned for later on in the year. meh. so, today is a "saturday" for me! what am i gonna do? think i'll check out a few stores/places in asheville. today is also a day when i'm wishing my love was with me so we could hang out together in some fun, funky places (can't wait till summer, by the way). i'm in a fun, funky, hippie, peace-lovin' kinda mood today. so, that kinda mood calls for me to head over to the urban hippie city of asheville. oh yeah. there's not that much snow here... it is nc, ya know.

peace out.

a little bit of everything

it's a day filled with lots of different things:
so far...
  • a successful algebra lesson
  • bonding time with my students
  • a wonderful phone call... reminding me again to always be true to myself
  • some msn time - the most important and most amazing part of every day
coming up...
  • some mexican food con cerveza (with beer!)
  • a mind-numbing reality show on tv
  • stressful paperwork to be done before tomorrow
  • and...SNOW in the forecast?!

i've seen a ghost

the past haunts me like a ghost. it seems like i can't get rid of bad habits. it seems like i can't forget past hurts. it seems like old fears won't leave me. and i drag it all from the past into my present. and it causes more pain. why can't i get rid of it? why can't i heal it? why won't it go away? how do i make the ghosts of the past disappear? i want them all to be gone. i wanna learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. i wanna heal all the wounds that remain open. and i wanna conquer everything that scares me. i want to love unselfishly, move on from the pain, and trust rather than seek complete control. and i want it all to happen now. i don't want to be broken and flawed (silly, i know). i don't want to make mistakes (impossible, i know). and i want the ghosts to fade away. i just want to live and give love. i have an unbelievable life and i am so in love with an amazing person, why do the ghosts haunt me?

just a little smile

maybe i'm not the only one.

it seems that there are others who are "trying to look for a way to get by until winter retreats with its blanket of darkness we are all covered with" (the words of a friend). this winter has gotten hold of many of us and won't seem to let go. now that i think of it, many people i end up talking with are having a difficult time right now. stress. sadness. darkness.

which reminds me... the christian holiday of lent begins this coming wednesday. this has generally been my favorite christian season (weird, i know). it is six weeks of seriousness, silence, and a time for internal reflection. it is a dark time that leads up to the celebration of easter. i have always enjoyed the opportunity to spend six weeks pondering and reflecting on who i am, who i have become, and who i am becoming. but, this year i am dreading this time. i feel certain that it is because in some way, i lived with my eyes and heart closed for so many years. lent gave me permission to stay inside myself, where i was safe. last year, though, i didn't even deal with lent. i just let it go right past me...i was in the middle of living life like i had never experienced it before. beautiful! glorious! full of light! and i just blew right on past lent (which was exactly how it needed to be). but this year, the darkness is creeping up on me...and i think i may experience the dark time of lent like i never have before. truer. deeper. more real. am i willing to walk this road? another friend recently reminded me, however, that without the darkness we wouldn't appreciate the light as much. the dark makes the light brighter.

the thing is...i know what lies on the other side of this dark journey. light. life. peace. spring. color. joy! it's just that i'd rather skip all this darkness and get right to the good stuff - a normal reaction, i think. but, i am gonna walk through it. in fact, i have no choice. the days will come and go one by one. i have to go through this. i can't just go around it. i must face it.

today reminded me, though, that i do not face it alone. there are cracks of light piercing all through the dark. it is never completely dark. the light never goes out. i found some pieces of light today. in a few smiles. in a few moments of laughter. and i am so grateful. it's never completely dark. and we are never alone. even in the dark there is a hand to hold. and a smile to share.

here, even in the darkness of winter, my love and i are sharing a smile.


for my love...

the truth hurts

and the truth is that i am having a really hard time these months. i'm confessing this to myself. if i say it, then i admit it, and admitting it is exactly what i have been trying not to do. i don't want to seem as if i am struggling with anything. i feel so much pressure (from myself) to be ok all the time. and that is just not how it is right now. in fact, this has been and is going to be a difficult time for me. everyone has them, right? there is a constant gray-ness about everything right now. i can't really enjoy anything. well, i don't even want to. i also admit that the gray-ness right now does not exist without light. there are moments i feel ok. like myself. and there is so much hope in me. but, right now it's just putting one foot in front of the other, forcing myself to make it. i'm telling you, it is not easy to be away from the person you love... the person who really knows you and inspires you and comforts you. and it is even harder when you are so far away. she is my breath. and the truth is that it is hard to breathe right now.

(still feel guilty for writing 2 sorta sad/whiny posts in a row)


i'm stuck. it's almost mid-february (only or already, depends on how you look at it) and i have the winter blues. the winter blahs. and i don't know how to get rid of it. i see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is so freaking far away. and, now that we have had craploads of snow days off from school, there is no time off/break in the schedule in sight until the much shortened spring break in april. ugh. (i hate it when i hear myself complaining... sorry.) gotta figure out a way to live life in the present, but it's so hard to do when the present moment is not as great as i know it could be. gotta take it one moment, one step at a time. hold on. breathe. i have to look for little things to help me get through. it's just not easy right now. i miss my love so much. work is stressful and not fun. hate feeling empty, uninspired, and bored. i am fully aware of the fact that it is well within my power to change my current feelings/attitude, but right now, i just can't. i just feel it. and i know that it is good that i am allowing myself to feel this way instead of pretending everything is ok. so, here's the truth tonight: it's not ok right now. i miss my love. i just feel blah. want summer. please.

(why do i feel so guilty for writing this?)

one long day (for me & my love)

what a monday. a long one.

me: after a week of crazy weather and unexpected snow days(in the states and sweden), i headed back to work today...for a full day of school. no delays, no early dismissals, just a regular day. as regular as my job gets. one of my kids is in jail (again), i think. another one drove me crazy and i briefly lost my patience. i'm not perfect. one kid talked with me for a long time as he considered dropping out of school. why? because there is so much other stuff going on in his life. he needs to make money to take care of his family (no one else can work). school isn't doing anything for him right now. he has other priorities. who can argue with that? and why are 16 year olds faced with the decision to go to school or take care of their family? one student said she dreams of being a social worker, and she told me that i taught her to dream big, that she can be anything she wants. really? i taught her that? wow. another kid needed to talk to me about his weekend, and i couldn't. i just didn't have enough time, or enough of me to go around. one guy came to school late because he was high. oh these kids of mine. their lives are so hard. i pray that i am helping in some way. needless to say...it was a long day back at work. what will tomorrow bring?

my love: it was a long day for my love for completely different reasons (sort of). she worked the night shift from sunday-monday. that's always intense and exhausting. and then, after a quick trip home, she headed to the train station only to find out that her first train was delayed and she would miss her second train from stockholm to Östersund. STRESS!! she did miss the second train, but luckily it was worked out that she would take another train to another city, then the bus to Östersund...which would have her arriving about midnight. in stockholm, she treated herself to a chai latte (mmm) and set a trend hanging out near the train. people started started to hang out there with her. that's my girl! 5 cool points. she rode on the train (quite bored for a while), got on the bus, and arrived in Östersund late monday night after traveling for a total of about 9-10 hours. thinking about taking a taxi for a while, she decided to just walk to where she is staying. so she headed off...uphill, late at night, in the snow, with all her bags, having to pee, and then had to find the key to get in. she did. whew. and immediately made her bed, got in, and called me. what a long, stressful, exhausting day. i told her good night and she was probably asleep as soon as she hung up. she needed it. it's a school day tomorrow, and my love is gonna be a traditional student for a few days. hehe.

so, we may be thousands of miles apart, but monday was a long day for both of us. it would be so great to be together this evening, to relax and take care of each other. but love exists no matter where we are. and we made it through this long day...together.

where can i go?

i wanna travel the world.

ok. that shouldn't be a surprise to many people who know me, but let me explain why this feeling is overwhelming me today... i've been living in some february time-warp for the past week due to snow, ice, no school, and surprise vacation days from work. since february started about a week ago (i think), i have had no idea what day it really is, what i am supposed to be doing, or how to focus... i have read a book, written some, listened to music, pondered my passion in life, talked on msn, been to work a little, watched a crapload of tv, and slept some. today, i have focused on travel programs on tv. i've kinda settled into this pondering, being kind of existence, but sadly, i believe that today is gonna be my last day of my time-warp holiday.

perhaps it's due to some form of cabin fever, though i don't really feel restless, or perhaps it's due to having way to much time to think and just be... but i am having this uncontrollable desire to travel. i mean really travel. pack up what i need in a backpack, grab my camera and my journal/computer, swing by sweden and get my love, and then take off!

where do i wanna go? everywhere! i want to meet crazy, interesting people. see ancient, old places. explore beautiful architecture and nature. hear different kinds of music and taste new foods. i want to take it all in, soak it all up, photograph it, and write about it all. i want to travel because i want to experience this amazing world and share it with others through my writing. i want to inspire people to try something new, meet someone new, and expand their minds. i want to travel for peace. don't you think that if we travel and open ourselves up to new things we become more open and accepting? then we realize that we are not that different from one another, and become willing to work with each other. and then...we are creating peace and justice in this world. i really believe in this.

i want to travel!

spring break comes early

ok. i am home again today. no school. yay. or not. i can't decide. you see, in order to be able to miss this day of school, the school system had to find a day we could use to make up the missed one. today's missed day will be made up on friday, april 9. the last day of spring break. so, my spring break vacation just lost 3 days (i will have to travel home on thursday instead of sunday). ugh.

therefore, i am celebrating spring break all day today. i mean, it IS one of my spring break holidays now. it doesn't matter that it is sleeting, raining, and snowing outside. i have another cozy day inside. gonna read some, clean some, listen to some music, work on some paperwork a little, and hopefully talk to my love some after she gets home from work.

so, it's gonna be a good holiday today. i'm gonna make it good.

a few memories from last year's amazing spring break...

our campsite in the keys!

the world's smallest and coolest bar!

my love's favorite tree!

crazy, amazing, greasy breakfast restaurant in islamorada

we made a spontaneous 3-day trip to my parents' beach house in nc on our way home

28 days of ♥

i have a little project for february...
think it's gonna be great fun.
love. love. love.