don't give up

don't give up on me. i'm still here. it's just crazy right now. crazy in good ways, and crazy in very difficult ways.

the full moon this past weekend has affected everyone and everything at work. it's been really hard. busy. difficult. one kid has been arrested...again. some others are mad at mean ms. mcguire. meetings have been stressful and too often. and adults have been stressed out. big time. it's just been tough. and i haven't felt great.

tomorrow i have a funeral to attend. my good friend did pass away this past weekend. so, l and i are gonna go support our friend. and remember how precious life is. how amazing our life is.

it's so hard to live in the moment, when all you can do is think about the pain that is coming in just a few more days. i just can't let it go sometimes when the sadness overwhelms me. l is leaving in a week and a half. we'll be separated again. i don't think we every take things for granted, but now, these days before separation, we really enjoy every single moment. and i try to focus on today. this moment. and soak it all in. still, it hurts.

and the last craziness that's going on is the thought that l's parents are in the states now. tomorrow afternoon we are picking them up at the airport. it's unbelievable! crazy!

but don't give up on me. i may not write alot for the next week and a half. but, i'm still here. just busy. and feeling so many different emotions.



i was driving to see a dear friend and her dying husband (another dear friend). i was listening to some beautiful music, when suddenly in the middle of all the dark gray, light gray, and white clouds, heaven just opened up. i couldn't take my eyes off of this hole that got bigger and bigger as the clouds parted in just this one area. and i felt a presence. something holy. mysterious.

then i thought about all those who may say to me, "aren't those just clouds?" well, of course they are. just clouds. the wind is separating them. nothing special. or is it? to me, though, what seemed to be such a typical, scientific, weather-related event, and a coincidence that i looked up at just the right moment, i knew that was something more. i knew in my soul i was experiencing a holy mystery. and i was feeling the divine all around me. you see, i believe that the divine is found in everything. everything is sacred. holy. the question is, do we just see things as they are, or are we willing to look deeper? to feel what we see?

when i arrived at the hospital, i got into the elevator. the doors opened on the fifth floor, and as soon as they did, there was my friend standing face to face with me. we embraced and held each other tightly. my love then hugged her. and i hugged her sister. the four of us stood there and chatted a little. but, chatting with my friend is always deep. she talked of her husband, who just keeps holding on right now, and remarked that it is such a holy mystery.

i guess we are all a little nervous with that which seems to be a mystery. we want to know things. but, what if we can know in a different way? couldn't everything we experience be a mystery? couldn't God's love simply be made known to us in these mysterious ways? like knowing someone loves you unconditionally? or seeing a a tree turn colors in the fall? or the peace and pain of watching someone die?

i continued on to see my dying friend. i went in alone. stood by his bedside, and talked to him. i put my hand on his shoulder, prayed some, and read to him that even in the valley of the shadow of death, we are not alone. i was reminded again that "my cup runs over". it is a mystery. to stand there. to feel love. give love. and share that quiet, simple, holy moment with another.

and now, i am overwhelmed. it's all a mystery. faith. love. clouds. death. life. but, i am so thankful for the moments that remind me to live. to breathe. to believe.

pic from here

rainy days a comin'

i wanna write, but i cannot seem to recover from this awesome past weekend. i have pics to share from the lighthouse, the family reunion, and many things i've been thinking about. i really wanna get them out. but i'm so tired. i wish i could blog during the day. work gets in the way. hmpf. well, just wanted to say that i may not be blogging right now, but i'm thinking. and i'll be back in a day or 2 with a new post. it's gonna rain for the next few days, i think. really cool weather. cozy times at home. so, hopefully, i'll curl up with a blanket, some coffee, and my love - and read and write, and not fall asleep. my idea is: rain=blogging.

see ya. peace.

farm girl or city girl?

for the past week, we have been exiled from our cute, cozy, city apartment to the beautiful, remote, cozy farm. it was an unexpected "vacation" (although i worked, i.e. drove 45 minutes every morning and afternoon) brought on by the little mouse that would not leave our apartment. zola (the cat) did nothing to help us catch the mouse. all she did was run with it, kick it, and chase it. ugh. so, we packed up our stuff and zola's stuff, set 12 mousetraps, contacted the apartments' office, and vacated our home.

while we were on the farm, we helped my dad set up a new tv. very cool. watched some awesome movies. the soloist, little miss sunshine, and began watching the first 2 episodes of the first season of true blood. yep. we bought the whole season. be jealous. we're addicted.

we also drove like crazy people a few times - trying to get to town to run errands before everything was closed. it's a long way out in the middle of the country(side). we had some cozy, rainy nights. made pizza. mmm. and yep. we herded cattle. that's right. we put on our boots, walked down the dirt road, and coaxed 2 big cows back into the field where they belong. mmm. hmm. i'm a country girl inside.

ok. maybe not. today we came back home!!!!! we dropped zola off at the vet to have her bathed and to get her some medicine and headed home to do some intense cleaning. now it smells and looks so good in here. yay. and zola is exhaused too, so she's curled up on the sofa with us as we sit - glued and addicted to our computers. that's right. there was no real internet access on the farm.

tomorrow it's back to work (today was a workday - and i didn't work. hehe.). but only 2 days, and then it's weekend! tomorrow it's back to being a city girl. feels good. and yet, the time on the farm was really great too. perhaps i really do need a little of both in my life. and how amazing is it that in my life that i am able to enjoy the city and the farm?! not only that, but i am so blessed to have family in 2 countries. i have the joy (and great sorrow too) of traveling back and forth between NC and Sweden! so many people dream of simply visiting one place or the other, and i am back and forth all the time. wow. what a life. i don't have to choose. country. yes! city. yes! usa? yes! europe? yes! i have it all. everything. and my true home is wherever my love is.