it's crazy. i wake up early in the morning and find myself thinking about things that i'd really love to write about. but, it's freaking early, so i don't get up and turn on my computer or open up my journal in order to record my thoughts. lazy, i guess. and then, later on when i have time, i'm not motivated to write. i've been staring at my computer screen for about 2 hours now, wanting to write about my early morning thoughts today, but just not "feelin' it". and it was all so good...

but, now, i'm feeling a bit more motivated.

i'm cozy in a chair, listening to norah jones, and thinking about how my plans for the day have changed. you see, tonight i was gonna do something i haven't done in quite a while. i was going to meet a few friends and begin a theological study/group on the book of revelation (in the bible). church stuff, theological stuff, a disciplined schedule of meeting & reading...these are things i have not done since i was in denmark. and i guess it just hasn't been something i have needed/wanted for a while. but, now, i find myself craving some theological conversations and challenges. i am seeking out something to write about/reflect on. so, i'm gonna think about the book of revelation. but, not in a group tonight...the snow has caused a cancellation. perhaps, though, i will re-read the book or pull out my notes from seminary (if i can find them).

this morning, i woke up thinking about revelation - the book that john wrote. it is a book of hope, though many see it as a book of doom, of all the good and bad things that are gonna happen "when jesus comes back and the world ends". it's often mistaken for a prophetic book, and i mean that in the sense of a book that tells the future, like a crystal ball. i don't believe that at all. instead, it is a book of hope. a message to certain people at a certain time in their present situation. but, does it matter for us? of course. the truth of hope remains for us. it's a complicated, misunderstood book that i don't begin to say that i understand either. but, it fascinates me.  and it's fun to ponder its mysteries - even if i don't get it.

but, isn't that all that faith is? doesn't faith simply mean belief that how things are right now are not how they are meant to be/should be, that they won't be this way forever, and that we can even experience the way it should be in little moments of life today?

perhaps the revelation is that life always comes after death. spring always comes after the cold, dead, winter. our true selves, and therefore true life - a life of freedom and joy, is always revealed to us through little daily deaths we experience. when we put away the masks, fears, darkness, and expectations of the world, then a part of us dies. and a new part of us lives. being true to ourselves, following our passion, living in the moments of our lives - good or bad, being real...that is when we live. the darkness dies. hate dies. and light lives. love lives.

sometimes we are consciously fighting to live in the light. and then, sometimes, we look back and realize how the light, true life, has been creeping into our lives all along. this life is a long, amazing, difficult, heart-breaking, overwhelming, wonderful journey of discovering who we are. if only we have the courage to keep walking, holding in our hearts the revelation that even when it seems impossible and we feel like we are dying inside, the light will always win.

as i look back on the past 2 years of my life, what is revealed to me is my death. because i shut out the outside voices of the world and the expectations of others as to how it should be, i listened instead to the music of my soul. and i did not do this on my own. i have had the support and love of many people, especially my amazing wife. i have also had the challenge and pain of those who do not support me, but instead misunderstand me. as the time has passed, though, i realize that i have begun to live. truly live. true life is not always pretty, and definitely not easy. but it is real. living from your soul is possible. and even though we must first die, the life that we receive is far better than we could have ever imagined. it is not a perfect, pain-free life, but it is a true, deep, hope-filled life.

dare to dream. imagine. believe. be true to your soul. 


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