just a little smile

maybe i'm not the only one.

it seems that there are others who are "trying to look for a way to get by until winter retreats with its blanket of darkness we are all covered with" (the words of a friend). this winter has gotten hold of many of us and won't seem to let go. now that i think of it, many people i end up talking with are having a difficult time right now. stress. sadness. darkness.

which reminds me... the christian holiday of lent begins this coming wednesday. this has generally been my favorite christian season (weird, i know). it is six weeks of seriousness, silence, and a time for internal reflection. it is a dark time that leads up to the celebration of easter. i have always enjoyed the opportunity to spend six weeks pondering and reflecting on who i am, who i have become, and who i am becoming. but, this year i am dreading this time. i feel certain that it is because in some way, i lived with my eyes and heart closed for so many years. lent gave me permission to stay inside myself, where i was safe. last year, though, i didn't even deal with lent. i just let it go right past me...i was in the middle of living life like i had never experienced it before. beautiful! glorious! full of light! and i just blew right on past lent (which was exactly how it needed to be). but this year, the darkness is creeping up on me...and i think i may experience the dark time of lent like i never have before. truer. deeper. more real. am i willing to walk this road? another friend recently reminded me, however, that without the darkness we wouldn't appreciate the light as much. the dark makes the light brighter.

the thing is...i know what lies on the other side of this dark journey. light. life. peace. spring. color. joy! it's just that i'd rather skip all this darkness and get right to the good stuff - a normal reaction, i think. but, i am gonna walk through it. in fact, i have no choice. the days will come and go one by one. i have to go through this. i can't just go around it. i must face it.

today reminded me, though, that i do not face it alone. there are cracks of light piercing all through the dark. it is never completely dark. the light never goes out. i found some pieces of light today. in a few smiles. in a few moments of laughter. and i am so grateful. it's never completely dark. and we are never alone. even in the dark there is a hand to hold. and a smile to share.

here, even in the darkness of winter, my love and i are sharing a smile.

My dear friend



I was reading your post and just have the urge to write you some thoughts. Winter is a hard time for many people and I can understand it in some ways but then on the other hand I don't see it at all. Last week I went for a hack through the forest. It was after sunset and in summer it would have been pitch black. But the snow lying on the fields and the trees reflected the moon and I felt like being in a fairytale. A silent world - only the forest noises and the sound of my horses hooves. Magical.



It's how we look at things that make them dark or bright. I could have concentrated on my cold limbs, on the ice that made it impossible to do anything but walking on the scary dangerous shadows. But I choose not to.



Chris and I had our first year anniversary this weekend and we looked back on the past 12 months. He started talking about the waiting, the missing all the aweful feelings that go together with a long distance relationship. But then we started to list the good things, all the wonderful, magnicifient moments we had together sometimes even when we were seperated by so many miles.



I know my situation is a lot easier as we have less time difference, cheaper flights, not months but weeks in between our weekends together and no stupid visa restrictions. But I've learned that if I don't look at the bright sides of it I'm going down. It's not that I always succeed. God no, I have really bad days. But the world is a little bit brighter.



So don't let the darkness get you. You have found and married the love of your life. A thing that many people dream about. Your seperated for now which is dreadful. But even in this time of suffering there is brightness and you'll find it. And better still when you found it you have someone to share it with. For now it is on msn or skype. But for the rest of your life it will be with your wonderful wife being just next to you. And what are a few months compared to a lifetime?!



I hope and wish for you (and me) that time will fly and that it can be a time as good as possible.



Love Nicole

Nicole: Thank you so much for caring and for writing to me about your focus on the light. Yes, Lina and I talk about all the amazing times we have had, and we constantly remind each other that once through this (actually) short time, we will have forever together. I will never take for granted the amazing woman that has become my everything and the amazing love that we share. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. Take care, my friend. KRAM!

You're more than welcome.

Take care!!!!!

Kramar Nicole